In less than 24 hours my outlook on my self, my life and my hobbies has done a 180. Yesterday I was a worthless nuthin’ who could do no right. Today, I am back to normal. Talk about your mood swings. I find episodes like this rather puzzling. What is it that makes our moods swing so ? We can answer the typical hormones but that is almost passe for me. I will give that some credence for me but not much. For others, I can totally see it and do what you need to do to deal with it. Mine just seem to be random bouts of wacky. It seems to burst forth like Mount Vesuvius wants to cover up Pompeii once and for all. My self esteem was to be hidden under the molten lava and hot ash of my wicked critical voice only to be discovered dead and frozen with a look of horror and my self respect tucked under its arm. This was not good. This was not what I have been trying to do for myself. This required some serious writing.
I’ve upped the vitamin D and start my day with a sun salutation. I practice positive imaging and try to quell the noisy voices that seek to punch holes in my soul. I try to stay aware of how I am processing others comments. I try to remember that sometimes it’s more about them that me. Other times, I try to remember that hitting people is NOT nice and would generally be frowned upon in polite circles. Oh to be back in the day when a good barbaric swipe with a broad axe was not only acceptable but expected in certain situations. Whatever happened to that lovely custom ? Have we really changed so much when a mom can shoot her son in the car coming home from soccer and then her daughter in the house for being “mouthy” ? Wouldn’t some soap on the tongue have sufficed ? This makes me pause to wonder about gun laws and why as parents we can push out kids without passing any kind of psychological examination. This makes me see mood swings in a whole new way.
Anyway – back to me. Apparently my mood swings also flow over into writing swings but isn’t that what creativity is all about ? The discretionary switch from moods to gun control ? I believe it is. My husband would beg to differ as his head nearly swivels off its pivot to keep up with the changes. I have tried very hard to at least explain what went on in my head that made me switch but he just shakes his head and carries on…
My mood has eminently improved from yesterday for which I am grateful. I meditated. I battled a boogey of a migraine that just about had me tearing my head off. I meditated some more. I read a wonderful Austen-esque continuation of Pride and Prejudice which makes me love Fitzwilliam Darcy all the more. I mediatated some more. This process took about 4 hours to peel me off the ceiling but by the time I went to bed, I was calm. The “hates” had become quiet. The seething ravenous monster was pushed back into its cave and a large boulder placed in front. Hopefully it won’t be escaping any time soon. Hopefully by continuing on this creative process I will see many more days of breakthroughs and A-ha moments and peaceful times to contemplate a new story. Hopefully this creative process will prove as cathartic as it claims and I will have more calm than calamity in my head.
Today was a good day. Today I saw myself in a better light and it wasn’t attached to a train hurtling towards me. Today was better. What a difference a day makes.