What I Can See

I look down
to see myself
see what I can from
my vantage point
up on high.
Things don’t look
to bad from here
I can still see
some cushion of
the chair I sit in.
I can see
the shapely ankle,
delicate foot,
and strong tattooed calf
that carry me through the day.
I can see
the tummy and the
beginning of the bulge
that the muffin cap
is growing up from.
I can see
the legendary boobs
that from this
vantage point
don’t seem quite so huge.
But what I do not see
from this vantage point
is the reality
of the whole being
the complete package.
I do not see
balance all at once
I see good
or I see bad
no middle ground with a muffin cap.
I see the puffy cheeks
and double chin
and pot belly
that I have allowed to distort
this version of myself.
I see the spider veins
and the hairy lip
and the gray hair
that have crept upon me
without my permission.
Reality like this
brings the longing
for where the youth went
when the vantage point
seemed higher still.
When things did not
jiggle and bounce
due to flaccid muscle
but because the firmness of youth
made it possible to go bra-less.
This is when
the vantage point is
skewed towards that
which is quickest
to be spotted and abhorred.
So cruel we are
to the self that we see
who we’ve taken on a trip
to a where
we did not mean to go to.
Occasionally it will happen
that the self
we thought we had left behind
will show itself
through that which we do not want to see.
I don’t chase
that which used
to sit higher
but the feeling that came
from being young and invincible.
I chase the feeling
of power and confidence
that comes from looking good
and strong and in shape
no matter the vantage point you look from.
I see the good
in the gray-blue eyes
the nice smile
the hour-glass shape
and sometimes even the big boobs.
I know the self
that I seek again
is not so far away
that a little more walking
won’t take me there.
Not to the past
before babies and life
made changes to my self
that I now close my eyes to
so the present doesn’t intrude.
But to a self
that I can be proud of
that I can feel better with
that I can remember to cherish
as I once forgot to do.
The good and the bad
must be in balance
as must the selves
of the past
and the present.
Where do I go
to start this journey ?
It’s only a short walk
towards the self
that I can see with my eyes wide open.

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