I look down to see myself see what I can from my vantage point up on high. Things don’t look to bad from here I can still see some cushion of the chair I sit in. I can see the shapely ankle, delicate foot, and strong tattooed calf that carry me through the day. I can see the tummy and the beginning of the bulge that the muffin cap is growing up from. I can see the legendary boobs that from this vantage point don’t seem quite so huge. But what I do not see from this vantage point is the reality of the whole being the complete package. I do not see balance all at once I see good or I see bad no middle ground with a muffin cap. I see the puffy cheeks and double chin and pot belly that I have allowed to distort this version of myself. I see the spider veins and the hairy lip and the gray hair that have crept upon me without my permission. Reality like this brings the longing for where the youth went when the vantage point seemed higher still. When things did not jiggle and bounce due to flaccid muscle but because the firmness of youth made it possible to go bra-less. This is when the vantage point is skewed towards that which is quickest to be spotted and abhorred. So cruel we are to the self that we see who we’ve taken on a trip to a where we did not mean to go to. Occasionally it will happen that the self we thought we had left behind will show itself through that which we do not want to see. I don’t chase that which used to sit higher but the feeling that came from being young and invincible. I chase the feeling of power and confidence that comes from looking good and strong and in shape no matter the vantage point you look from. I see the good in the gray-blue eyes the nice smile the hour-glass shape and sometimes even the big boobs. I know the self that I seek again is not so far away that a little more walking won’t take me there. Not to the past before babies and life made changes to my self that I now close my eyes to so the present doesn’t intrude. But to a self that I can be proud of that I can feel better with that I can remember to cherish as I once forgot to do. The good and the bad must be in balance as must the selves of the past and the present. Where do I go to start this journey ? It’s only a short walk towards the self that I can see with my eyes wide open.