Green Eyes

The real monster inside ...

Oh that ugly green eyed monster.  She is forever lurking in the back of my mind: quietly, in a very small, very hissy, sinister voice whispering to me, “Not good enough again eh ?”.  Sometimes I just want to smack her down and say, “No, no foul beast !  I will not succumb to your viciousness !  My talents will win out in the end !”.  And then other times I just let the little bugger have her way with my head and all hell breaks loose for a few days.

I can picture her now sitting up in her lair, which is hidden deep inside the grey matter with which I concoct these fantastical little scenarios.  She wrings her hands and waits with restrained glee while I begin to hyper focus on one thing or another.  Usually it’s something to do with a skill.  A skill that I think occasionally I shine at but like most creative people secretly worry is a big bunch of crap.  This skill could be cakes.  It could be cooking.  It could be reading.  It could be gardening.  It could be leading kids.  Today it is writing a blog.  And that little green booger face is starting to get her game on.

I don’t know why I let it worry me so.  This is not meant to be competitive.  This is not meant to be a way for comparison.  This is supposed to be a way for me to express myself, share view points, connect with other writers (if I can call myself that – see ? She’s sneaky…) and generally hone my skills.  But then someone new comes along and instantly has more followers, more hits, etc.  Why do I even look ? (Because you know they are all better than you, she says with excitement).  It’s not supposed to matter and I am supposed to be big enough to not care.  But sometimes, oh sometimes, I am just as small and green as my little Jimeny cricket from hell.

7 thoughts on “Green Eyes

  1. Writing is a struggle, isn’t it? My insecurities have a lot to say about what I write, all negative, so I often struggle to hit the publish button. I think a lot of people who write feel that way, and just knowing that, is a kind of comfort.

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