Seriously ? Again ?

So this boy of mine is now a teenager.  Although he was born April 1 it was not the joke I hoped it was.  I recognize that I should be grateful after all this health woes and scares that he made it to 14.  For the most part – 99.9% of the time, I am.  Truly and profoundly.  He is amazing and bright and funny and handsome and empathetic and lots of good things.  He is also 14.  With autism.  And dyslexia.  So even when I teach him a lesson he doesn’t quite interpret it right and forgets it 30 minutes later.  My son is a goldfish with a shiny castle that looks new every time he crosses the bowl.  Oh yeah – I’m sayin’ it.

Right now our challenge is girls.  Not that they are falling all over him or anything but he is sure noticing them.  This is all fine and good.  We know which team he bats for and what type of dating we should be expecting.  I would be fine either way: I just like to be prepared.  The problem is that my son’s form of autism screws around with his ability to be appropriately social.  I recognize that a severely autistic child struggles much more but I have to say this comes with it’s challenges too.

My son likes to fire off little one liners that he thinks are just the wittiest thing ever said.  He just thinks he has Milton Burl and George Carlin beat complete with some cussing.  He comes by that honestly so I can’t completely throw him under the bus but for @!$%# sake, at least I know when to use it and when to bleep myself.  This boy: he makes my filter look like the Queen of all HEPA’s.  For the past week or two, he’s been getting in a whole load of trouble for this inability to filter.  You’d think he’s learn the lesson at some point.  Seriously.  He needs to learn this lesson.

But not my boy.  My autistic, ADD, dyslexia, short-term memory impaired, hormone driven 14 year mess of a kid.  My kid is not getting it.  In this one week alone, a girl on his bus chose to move buses rather than continue for the next two weeks.  Along with that I had to go in to the VP’s office with my boy and his teacher and rip him a new arse.  I love it when teacher’s say, “Oh I think we scared him”.  Yeah, right, sure – how’s that working out for ya ?  Then his momma walks in and he knows game over.  Even the teacher said to me after, “I see what you mean.  I really liked how you handled that.  I think I’m going to use some of your techniques and sayings.”  Hopefully this is just for my kid.  Lord knows what damage it would do to others.

So then my boy continues his streak with an absolute charming exhibition of inappropriateness today.  I have been trying to meet up with a friend from public school who is a professional photographer.  I have some paid gigs coming up and wanted some camera advice.  On a bike ride this morning, who do we run in to at Paletta Estates but this friend !  Haven’t seen him in 30 years but we start chatting away.  He meets the family, more chit-chat, gotta go, keep in touch, yada yada.  What does my son say to him as we ride away ? “Hey, don’t you hit on my mother !”  Good lord … April Fools is just a permanent holiday without the day off in my house.

Now I feel bad that this kid of mine just gets ripped up one side and down the other on a regular basis.  My logic is better me busting his butt than some kid putting my boy’s teeth down his throat for some smart alecky remark.  So during his baseball practice I go to Indigo.  I find this Jughead  (ironic I know) DVD which he will love.  I also find the Macho Macho Animals cartoon book that is good for his age group and he loves comics.  I think to myself, Self let’s show the boy some love and surprise him.

So we go to pick up said boy from baseball and what does he do but insult his sister in front of his team mates.  Quite meanly as insults go.  All she had done was walk over to give him a Jolly Rancher and let him know we were back.  He reacts by being a jackass.  This negatively affects my giving mood other than giving him a good wack in the melon with the Jughead DVD.  I says to him I says, “Seriously boy ? Has your butt not been served to you enough this week for wise cracking and being a jerk ?”

I know he is a teenager.  I know he has hormones a ragin’.  I know brothers and sisters have their moments.  But he is close to sparking a full on civil war in my house with his smart mouth and broken filter.  His sister is fighting back and not nicely.  Can I blame her ? Not really.  He called her a stupid blond or something of the like for a really dumb reason.  Embarrassing his sister is not likely to endear him to her or his parents.  The joke will be on him if this lesson doesn’t sink in sooner than later.  Seriously.

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