This is sort of like finding the can in can’t. That old wonderful positive saying that people who’ve never had a day of being down in their life tell you like some kind of therapist from hell. Oh yeah – I’ve said it. I know. But to a 10-year-old who’s unwilling to try something, not a 40-something woman who is trying to better her life. Oh yeah – I’ve said it then too. Damn. Well, I’ve been to hell and back and probably require some therapy so I guess I fit the bill. Today, I found function in dysfunction and while there is sure to be some Freudian philosophy at play here, I’m just glad something as simple as writing down my problems helped me see some solutions.
I’m a HUGE believer in journaling. Huge. HHHHUUUGGGGEEE. I know it isn’t for everybody but can’t you just try it ? Can’t you see the Can ? I’ve got a multitude of journals for different things. Some are for storytelling. Some are for introspective exercises. Some are for just getting the dirt out. One is called My Dysfunctions Journal and in case you have problems figuring out what you are dysfunctional about, it even comes with little quotes of dysfunction to inspire you. I needed no inspiration today. I’m feeling dysfunctional about my job search and there didn’t appear to be a big enough couch in the world to make me feel better about that. Then I started writing.
As with most journals, I began with a whine. I know some are gratitude journals and some are happiness journals and some are probably secret, fetishy, ooo lala journals that hold deep dark secrets you wouldn’t want your kids to read but mine is mostly for whining. One thing that is really hard about being over 40 is how annoying whining sounds. Quite frankly I don’t enjoy it in children either but mostly because really, what do they have to whine about ? 3 meals a day, clothes on your back, vacations, toys, movies, candy, cartoons and you don’t have to earn any of it ! Quite frankly, that’s a sweet deal so not only will I not offer you cheese to go with your whine, I will start to sell your stuff if you continue to whine. That’s just how I roll.
Sometimes, though, we all need a good whine. Whatever it might be for, whatever you need to get out, whatever is bothering you that day that deserves a whine. My whine this morning began with how I don’t feel I’m contributing enough to my family’s current situation. Part of my identity has always been wrapped up in my job and what I’m able to contribute to the household financially. This is no way a slam against stay at home mom’s. I know that job. I’ve done that job. I laud and honour those that can do that job. I cannot. Otherwise there will be other types of wine involved that will require a stay at a lovely facility designed to wean you off the wine while you listen to others whine about why they can’t have wine. Then we’re back to how I don’t like whining from anyone including myself and it just doesn’t seem like a good option for me. A job is a much better solution to my whining issue.
After writing a bit of whining, I started to catalogue all I’ve done for my job search. I have to tell you, I ran out of space on the paper. Now that might be because the whining took up quite a bit of space and the journal is quite small but I choose to believe that the list was quite long. Between the internet searches, informational interviews and building a presence on social media, to name a few things on my list, I’ve done a very functional job search in a very dysfunctional economy. This doesn’t negate the frustration and annoyance I feel with the fact that my job search has yet to be fruitful but it does clearly illustrate, to my ever whining inner voice, that I’m trying. Hard. At some point, my job dysfunction will end and I will find success. Then, I will celebrate with a glass of wine and possibly a symbolic burning of my written whines.