Some would argue that this is my natural state of being. Some would be correct. But not in the arm waving running like a crazy person way. Well at least not in front of the kids. Who am I kidding? I’ve done that in front of the kids. What I mean is, for the most part, I try to keep a good balance between my work and my family. Lately? I’ve been a bit unbalanced.
I’m used to spending a lot of time with my family. We make each other our top priority and for me, that’s how it should be. I try not to put too many commitments ahead of them and really enjoy day tripping or watching movies together. Lately though, my job has been demanding a lot of my time. More than I’m used to anyway though I’m sure I’m far below the levels of most. This has created a vague sense of unease. Like I’m missing opportunities or time is slipping away.
Part of this is the fact that my kids are getting older. It’s a lot easier to put emphasis on my career as my kids don’t need me as much. I’ve managed to raise two fairly independent people who are, as they rightly should, wanting to spend more time with their friends and less time with their parents. I have to admit that this stings a bit. I begrudge the time I lose with them as though the window is getting closed faster than I’d like. Having said that, when I propose a day trip they are still up for it and with a glad face.
A family trip yesterday helped to restore some of my balance. I was able to spend time with my family and make more memories as we toodled around Niagara Falls and Niagara on the Lake. At the end of the day I felt better. Like a piece of me had been put back in. Like the window slowed down a bit on its collision course with nature. Like I’d been given a reprieve from losing my role as mom.
I think that’s probably what scares me most – the thought of my kids not wanting to spend time with me. I know it’s natural. I know it’s expected. I know it’s my job to prepare them for that. But who’s job is it to prepare me ? Who’s job is it to help me deal with the tipping of the scales ? I’ve held the weight of my kids development in balance for so long it’s going to be a rough adjustment the day I realize it’s done. That I’ve got to let go and let God take over the rest.
Then again …
My mom is still raising me so perhaps there is hope for my balance yet.