What a CrAzY couple of weeks. I mean needing but not taking high levels of medication type CrAzY. My most precious and adored Mommasito had to go in to hospital. It was planned. It was known. It was necessary. It didn’t matter. All the planning in the world isn’t going to allay my fears and anxiety. Being psychic didn’t help either which I will confess is a bit disappointing. What helped ? Being patient.
I was on the phone with the ICU this morning and then my lovely Mommasito when it struck me. Patient. I have both right now in various contexts. I have to be patient while my Mommasito recuperates. I have to be patient with the nurses and doctors as they work with her care and find the best plan for her. I have to be patient with her as she alternates between wanting to get better and wanting to stay where it’s safe. You can’t get any safer than the ICU but it’s not like we can take the nurses home.
I suck as a patient. I suck in hospital as a patient and I suck at being a patient person. It is one of my greatest downfalls. I want it done and I want it done now. It’s not about instant gratification. I don’t go shopping to get a fix. I don’t indulge in many things for that jazz hands high. But I hate waiting. I hate not being able to do what I want when I want. Me in hospital ? Lordy be. I end up apologizing and buying a lot of thank you’s by the time I’m done.
So what’s my point ? I guess it’s the oddness of the word. To be patient requires a level of skill and nirvana I’ve yet to achieve. I try. I really do. I even pray for patience though God see’s fit to tickle his funny bone by sending me challenges to build patience rather than giving me the actually patience up front. God and I don’t appear to share the same sense of humor on some things. Platypus’ – now that’s funny. Being in the hospital watching my Mommasito? Yeah. Not so much.
To be a good patient requires being patient. To be able to see the small victories for what they are: progress. To not get down on yourself as you recover. To even seeing going for a pee as an accomplishment. It’s about having the ability to be patient, lean in to the process and remember that sooner than later you will only have to use the word in one context. That by being patient and working towards your goal of recovery you will end your role as patient. Some day I will learn to lean. Some day I will learn the value of being a patient person. Today is not that day. I just want my Mommasito out of the hospital. Now!